What I Learned at Boy Scout Camp

When I was in junior high I was in Boy Scouts. I was in the Shark patrol and we were the baddest fuckers in the whole troupe. We never wore our uniforms right, we talked during the meetings, and we didn't know shit about scouting. Not that the troupe was that great to begin with. I once had a knife pulled on me because some kid didn't want to help set up our tint. Less than 10 years later he was arrested for sexual assault after jerking off in his sister's sleeping friend's hand. Justice takes time. Every summer we went on a week-long camp out at this scout camp in the middle of nowhere. The camp was ok. The counselors were mostly dicks and some kid always shit in the lake while we were swimming, but the food was good and there was a soda machine.

The best parts of the trip were always the ride there and the ride back. You could always count on three things:

1. The trailer would get a flat and Mr. Donham would almost have a heart attack cursing it out.



2. We would always stop at a burger stop called Toot's and flirt with some fine-ass 16 year old girls.



3. We would stop at the same gas station every year to take a piss.

The gas station was, probably, the most fun. They sold porn there and someone would always try to buy a Hustler. Nobody ever succeeded. The men's restroom had a Treasure Chest and that's what we all brought quarters for. If you don't know, a Treasure Chest is like a condom dispenser, only it doesn't sell condoms. Treasure Chests sell 'adult novelties'. We got some cool shit from those machines over the years, but what I got my last year at camp was going to be the most awesome thing any scout had ever bought for a quarter.

That year I boned up and forgot to bring all my change, so I only had one quarter. I was the first into the pit stop that year, which is dangerous because the first person in is the one who has to map out all the used needles and rubbers and human feces. I walk in the restroom and approach the machine. I pull out my lone quarter and kiss it for luck. This one needed to count. I insert it into the slot and give the knob a crank. Years later I would realize how fucking gross this process is. Anyway, out pops a small package. I remember the way my heart jumped from my chest when I read the words on it. "Spanish Fly. Guaranteed to make ANY woman horny." Being in the 6th grade I knew EXACTLY what Spanish Fly was and I was popping wood just by having the package in my hand. Before I could open it up there was a knock on the door. I pocketed it and left for the van.

After we got back on the road all the guys started to show off what they got. Most of them got some shitty cartoons. Feeny got a cock ring. I remember thinking, "Ok. You're about to blow everyone away with this." I pull the Spanish Fly out and all the guys went silent. I turned back around in my seat and began to open the small package. What did it look like? Was it really a ground up fly? Will it work? None of these questions mattered after I opened it up, because when I flipped open the flaps the only thing in it was a picture of a fly with a sombrero on his head and his cock in his hand with a caption that said, "OH LAY!"