Tuesday Quickie: Porn Versions of Movies

It's Tuesday and I don't have a lot of time so I came up with some porn versions of movies to share with everyone.  Read through theses and come up with your own porn versions of movies and leave them in the comments!

American Booty:  Midori is a housewife how grows bored of her husband and begins to fantasize about her neighbor, Monique and her endless supply of men.  When Monique rents some rooms out to a couple of grad school studs Midori learns what it's like being a good neighbor.

Bitanic: It's the same story as Titanic, but with much, MUCH more sex.

Edward Penishands:  I'll assume that this is a movie about a guy named Edward, with penishands.

Snatch Adams:  Dr. Adams perscribes much more than antibiotics in this medical "feel good" movie.  I can't wait to see her bedside manner!

TrixXx:  Hash needs to find the truth.  That's where Jade and Serenade come in.  Follow the rabbit down the hole (heh).

Throbin Hood:  Throbin Hood and his band of merry men rebel against the Evil Queen and Sheriff Naughty Ham's tax on pussy.  I would hate to play Little John in this one!

Deaths That Fell Through the Cracks

Patrick Swayze just lost his battle with pancreatic cancer.  Having been a former bouncer at a night club, this took a particular toll on me.  Road House is like the 'Bouncer's Bible'.  Unfortunately, notable figures in our society die everyday and don't get the recognition that they deserve.  Here are a few from this past year that you may not have heard about.

Jimmy Bedford (1940-2009)

Jimmy Bedford was Jack Daniel's sixth master distiller.  For 20 years, Bedford was soley responseable for making sure Old No. 7 tasted the same it did in 1866.  In 2007, Whiskey magazine presented him with the Icons of Whiskey Lifetime Achievement Award for his hard work.  Later, in 2008, Bedford stepped down from his post due to a $3.5 million sexual harrassment lawsuit.  Jeff Arnett took his place as the seventh master distiller.  In August of 2009 Jimmy Bedford died of a myocardial infarction at his farm near Lynchburg.

John Hughes (1950-2009)

 

John Hughes was a cinematic heavyweight, penning such classics as National Lampoon's Vacation, Sixteen Candles, The Breakfast Club, Weird Science, Pretty in Pink, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Home Alone 1, 2 and 3, and Uncle Buck.  Having made Macaulay Culkin's entire career and a handful of America's best teen movies, Hughes ducked out with a heart attack while taking a walk in Manhattan.

Socks the Cat (1989-2009)

Socks was adopted by the Clintons in 1991 after jumping into Chelsea's arms while she was leaving her piano teacher's house.  Socks followed the Clintons from the governer's manson to the White House after Bill became President.  In 1997, the Clintons adopted a dog, Buddy.  Socks and Buddy faught until the Clintons left the White House in 2001.  Buddy and Socks went seperate ways, Buddy with the Clintons and Socks with Bill's secratary, Betty Currie.  Socks was put down in February of 2009 due to jaw cancer.

Jeremy Lusk (1984-2009)

 

Jeremy Lusk's career highlights include gold and silver medals at the 2008 X Games, a bronze helmet at the 2008 Moto X World Championships and 3rd place at the 2008 Red Bull X Fighters.  In Feburary of 2009 at a motocross cometition, Lusk attempted a "Hart Attack lookback indian air backflip" and undershot the rotation.  The front wheel struck the landing and threw Lusk, head first, off his bike.  Jeremy sustained severe head and brain damage and died in a Costa Rica hospital three days later.

Did You Know They Were Arrested?

Oftentimes famous celebrities do bad things.  Not surprisingly, many of them fly under the radar and we forget about those things and love them all the same.  Here are a few you might have forgotten/didn't know about.

Vince "ShamWow" Shlomi

Arrested in February of 2009 in Miami after getting into a fight with a hooker.  Shlomi paid the streetwalker $1000 for some hot love but made the mistake of trying to kiss her on the lips.  The lady of the night bit down on Shlomi's tongue and refused to let go until Shlomi beat her in the face like she owed him money.  Both were arrested on felony battery, but charges were never filed.  No word on if a ShamWow was used to clean up the mess.

 

Larry King

Arrested in December of 1971 for GRAND FUCKING LARCENY. King was a color commentator for the Miami Dolphins until a business partner accused him of jacking his cash.  Though the statue of limitations had run out to charge King for grand larceny, he pled  no contest to one count of passing bad checks.

Hank Williams Jr.

In April 2006, Hank Jr's name graced a warrant issued by a Tennessee court for assault to commit bodily harm.  Allegedly, Jr. choked a 19-year-old Memphis waitress while verbally attacking her.  The case was later dismissed due to lack of evidence, but one can only assume that the waitress was not ready for some football.

David Bowie

Upstate New York in March of 1976 David Bowie was arrested along side Iggy Pop after a concert.  The pair was nabbed for felony pot possession at a Rochester hotel.  The Rochester Police Department quickly loaded Bowie into a time machine and sent him back to 1901 to take his mug shot.

Don King

The man who saved/ruined boxing, Don King, was arrested for TWO murders 13 years apart from each other.  The first was ruled as a justifiable homicide after King shot a man in the back who was attempting to rob his gambling house.  The second, stay with me here, was in 1966 when King stomped an employee to death over $600.  King served just under four years in prison.  King was elected to the Gaming Hall of Fame in 2008 and is worth a God awful amount of money.  Only in America!

What I Learned at Boy Scout Camp

When I was in junior high I was in Boy Scouts. I was in the Shark patrol and we were the baddest fuckers in the whole troupe. We never wore our uniforms right, we talked during the meetings, and we didn't know shit about scouting. Not that the troupe was that great to begin with. I once had a knife pulled on me because some kid didn't want to help set up our tint. Less than 10 years later he was arrested for sexual assault after jerking off in his sister's sleeping friend's hand. Justice takes time. Every summer we went on a week-long camp out at this scout camp in the middle of nowhere. The camp was ok. The counselors were mostly dicks and some kid always shit in the lake while we were swimming, but the food was good and there was a soda machine.

The best parts of the trip were always the ride there and the ride back. You could always count on three things:

1. The trailer would get a flat and Mr. Donham would almost have a heart attack cursing it out.



2. We would always stop at a burger stop called Toot's and flirt with some fine-ass 16 year old girls.



3. We would stop at the same gas station every year to take a piss.

The gas station was, probably, the most fun. They sold porn there and someone would always try to buy a Hustler. Nobody ever succeeded. The men's restroom had a Treasure Chest and that's what we all brought quarters for. If you don't know, a Treasure Chest is like a condom dispenser, only it doesn't sell condoms. Treasure Chests sell 'adult novelties'. We got some cool shit from those machines over the years, but what I got my last year at camp was going to be the most awesome thing any scout had ever bought for a quarter.

That year I boned up and forgot to bring all my change, so I only had one quarter. I was the first into the pit stop that year, which is dangerous because the first person in is the one who has to map out all the used needles and rubbers and human feces. I walk in the restroom and approach the machine. I pull out my lone quarter and kiss it for luck. This one needed to count. I insert it into the slot and give the knob a crank. Years later I would realize how fucking gross this process is. Anyway, out pops a small package. I remember the way my heart jumped from my chest when I read the words on it. "Spanish Fly. Guaranteed to make ANY woman horny." Being in the 6th grade I knew EXACTLY what Spanish Fly was and I was popping wood just by having the package in my hand. Before I could open it up there was a knock on the door. I pocketed it and left for the van.

After we got back on the road all the guys started to show off what they got. Most of them got some shitty cartoons. Feeny got a cock ring. I remember thinking, "Ok. You're about to blow everyone away with this." I pull the Spanish Fly out and all the guys went silent. I turned back around in my seat and began to open the small package. What did it look like? Was it really a ground up fly? Will it work? None of these questions mattered after I opened it up, because when I flipped open the flaps the only thing in it was a picture of a fly with a sombrero on his head and his cock in his hand with a caption that said, "OH LAY!"